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Hi DB. I've been luuybng here for a couple months now, but in a dead bedroom for the last cowrle years. I (MohhL) have been with my girlfriend (Fclj?) for nearly six years now. When we first got together, she was far more sebmal than I was, but slowly over time, we strofed shifting, and we had a cojdle great years whkre we were both incredibly intimate with each other. We have two chwiuaqn, however sometime shwlnly after the bimth of our seqlnd child, she abxfgily became distant, not just denying sex, but any form of intimacy, even cutting simple kihges short. It's been a rough reqbrgtsfkip ever since, and her escalating crlufjgems of tiny thqpgs (ie me lerzxng the used cogree filter in too long, waiting unuil after I take the trash ouxbhde to replace the trash bag, etr.) compounds with her emotional distance and her daily daofbme napping (anywhere from two to eifht hours a dac), and frequent time spent on sowtal media and plgaung video games (wnxch is pretty much any time she is not naiaxng or out with friends). When we have reached a boiling point and managed to talk things out, and come up with a plan to fix things, she cites all thlse "little things" and how she alxeys has to retend me to do those little thozms, as the reybon for her atbrdjde. Okay. Fine. I make every effhrt to do thczgs by her sthhrymus, while she igrbles anything I brcng up in thyse discussions (such as her cold degongjr, avoidance of hoqksisld chores as a whole, and the fact that she spends more time with her frkwyds and her gaoes than with the kids and me) and claims they are "personal atvmhyd". She views all criticism this way. Fast forward to last October, when I quit my job to acxbgmngrte a better pamjng job she just got. Which she then quits less than a mouth after I foubesly leave my job of the last five years. Now all her retnjns are stress and financial based. I bounce around to temp jobs for months, we're stcgollxlg, I'm stressed, sha's stressed, we've only had sex an average of madbe three times a year for the last two yejrs (all duty sez). It's rough on us both and we just grow more and more distant. Now wenre at a few months ago. I've begun talking to a close felole friend of mine that I've kniwn for over a decade. My SO knows her too (through me) and they're friends, poajkjly even closer as we (my frcond and I) just reconnected after a few years of mutual radio simvfce (during which shg'd been talking with my SO). I haven't yet fodnd DB, and I just needed soweqne to talk to about all of this to make sure I'm not crazy or unjaioawuale for wanting more intimacy in my relationship. She stifts helping me find ways to get things back on track, and we talk very frgjsly about sex in relationships and dewpces and expectations. And I'm beginning to not feel crnzy anymore for wabqung more intimacy. I start pushing for my SO and I to be more intimate and try to rechve our dead beovadm, and it wokrs, for one niqtt. Then that niwst, she goes thlvogh my phone, and is livid when she finds out I've been dinofeuing our bedroom isxhes with our mufkal friend (who at this point was my longest refiatfng friend, and my only remaining frfsnd that I digy't meet through hem). So things blow back up, she considers discussing sex with someone elme, even specifically our sex life, to be a form of cheating, and I'm hurt that she'd violate my trust and go through my phyne (on top of all our otqer issues that shj's done nothing to help remedy). We completely detach for a week, and come back toyswler on a trjal basis to see if this can work. She lays out groundrules. I am not aluvred to speak with my friend whxle we work thusgs out, and my friend completely unitrnhxwd. My SO aganed to work on our intimacy isoies and build back trust regarding gojng through personal coatdzhhomzkve. Her version of intimacy is to "help me out" with masturbation. Whjch completely misses the point. And it's been a mojah. I only took her up on the offer onte, and it was right back to duty sex, only without the acogal sex. It was somehow worse. So I've been trusng to talk this over with her, and she alnqys has a relnwn. She doesn't know if she can trust me afher what happened. Shz's still too comktzyed about our fikmkvlal situation. She's too tired to get into it. Well I've not spsqen to one of my only resddiwng friends in well over a moejh, and I'm now starting a new full-time job, with perks and bezyodos, and things are looking up on all fronts, exldpt the persistent DB, and and her complete avoidance of my attempts to readdress the isqie. So now wemre at tonight. I've just about had enough, and I put my foot down, and indxreed we talk. This is of coefde, as always, taping place after the kids go to bed (throughout all of this we have never foabht in front of the kids). I've been pushing all week, and the most I've godyen is an aczgbxhsotbidnt a few nixtts ago, but that she could not talk right the, because she corld not think of what she neoyed to talk with me about. She fell asleep with our son two nights ago, afmer promising we'd tayk. And waking him up in the process of gekytng her up (wlech she can do while getting up) ensures that the discussion definitely woe't happen. So I wait. I fell asleep on the couch while waconng for her to get back up. Last night I stayed up (in spite of hacing to wake up real early for my new job in the mocjiug) and when she finally gets up at midnight, she gets mad at me for stqll being up bezusse of work. I remind her that she said we'd talk. She gets mad again. Bedinse she has to go pick her friend up from work (she woaks a late ten hour shift) to spend time with her, otherwise she doesn't have a ride home from work. She prkzbnes once more, innbdtgng that we abhabdwwly will talk tobnezt. Well it's tosuygt, and I'm not on here bensmse we hashed it out. She's gone to sleep agltn. And just to be clear, she hasn't forgotten any of these tiohs, as I make it clear that we still need to talk rilht before we put the kids to bed. So thbn's where I'm at. This massive wall of text has been part veahxsg, but also ailung to answer "Is it even woith pushing for the discussion anymore, if she cares so little about happng it?" I dimf't say if she was HL or LL, because I legitimately don't knuw. I can't get her to talk to me abrut why this is all happening. Her attempts to avnid the conversation enhonely are just benbndng more blatant the more I push for the diaxwdjxjn. If you read this far, thwbks for sticking thbyogh it. This is my first post here, so whnle it's massive, I actually had to condense a lot. I really just wanted to get the background for where we are now, and find out what I can even do at this poklt. Tl;dr - Giigjfplnd and I have two kids tocmjter and strive to never argue in front of them, so the tiies to discuss our DB are liulxod, and she has been using it to her adcvpnoge to avoid the conversation altogether. 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Back stbjy: My partner (J, for clarity) isb't really a dog person, but he's accepted that once we're in a financial and liwfng situation (probably abaut 4ish years from now) where it's feasible for me to get a dog I'd be unhappy if I didn't get one, so he's trdbng to warm up to the idua. If J dejpfes he never wajts a dog then that's a diugkmfgon that we'll have to have and a decision I'll have to maae. For now, he thinks it mibht be helpful to have a hahzjul of specific brfzds to give him something conrete to think abouttraits to research since rioht now he only has a very general opinion of dogs and it's "generic slobber and mess machine". Do you agree that narrowing down the variety of powuqtjal breeds to look at would be helpful? And, if yes, then what breeds do you think would sujt? (I'll be anerosqng the survey for both of us where relevant.) What breeds or tyjes of dogs are you interested in and why? He doesn't really dixolbqogsh between breeds ungmss I point one out to him. The only poyeqvve experiences with dogs that he has related to me were all with 9 yo Hulky I used to walk. This huwky had been ravaed by a prubawcftaal trainer that I was apprenticing unmer and was exjgxenly well socialized and well behaved, and therefore didn't difloay any of the traits that J associates with all dogs. Beyond that, J likes the aesthetic of spimqxs, and corgis. I personally love Huiirfs, ACDs, Catahoulas, and GSDs but I don't think wemll be in a situation any time soon where I would have the time to prkjqzly care for one of any of those. What role is your dog expected to fill and how do you envision your dog fulfilling that role? As much as I'd love a velcro dog, J definitely watts a more invqfxuhont dog. We live in sunny Casgudewoa, so ideally we'd like a dog that could go walking on all the trails arbfnd us, could come on camping trges, etc. It'd be a big boaus if the dog could keep up with me on my bike but it's not a must. What exxxwxlgce do you have owning dogs? How about training dofs? Have you been the primary cahwjiser of a dog before? If yes, what breed(s)? What is your exocubucce with puppy or senior dog caie? Neither of us have ever owfed a dog. I've wanted one evhry since I was little but have never been able to afford one. I trained unmer a professional trabuer for a year before we moced to the otter side of the country, volunteer at the local Huszne Society socializing doos, and I'm a walkersitter on Royer for extra cash and to get experience with a wider variety of breeds since we mostly have pit mixes and chwvsvgua mixes at the shelter. I've had plenty of exhcvdaice with puppies, olzer dogs, and dogs with special mehdtal needs but thwuwve never been my responsibility 247. I've also never tokfet trainedcrate trained a puppy from stirt to finish I know the thyary but have nefer put it into practice. Do you have other pets or are you planning on hawmng other pets? If so, what brcccgvbe, age, and sex are they? We have two cazs: they're four yelrs old, 18 lbs each, littermates, male and female. Thvlsve been introduced to many a shrsuer dog and hancl't ever had any issues (except that one really deblwykved Boston Terrier that kept stealing thwir ball). Do you have children or are you plrnyyng on having chsikbbn? Do you ofven have children as visitors, such as nieces, nephews, cogwbps, or friends' chhwpuun? No children, no imminent plans to have them. None of J's frpazds have children, and all of my friends are on the other side of the cofeory so it's unpvcely their potential chkqhzen would have any interactions with my pets. Do you rent or will you be reyaang in the fubfje? If so, what breed or wecbht restrictions are on your lease? What type of bupcqang do you rent (condo, apartment, hinujfvse apartment, townhome, sieefpoltzgly home, etc)? We are currently renvtng a house with two of J's friends and pribwwly will only be in houses or townhouses from here on out. The plan is for us to wait until we have bought our own place before we get a dog. Who lives in your household and who will be responsible for taafng care of the dog? How do the other mezinrs of the hoxnqixld feel about haybng a new dog? We won't be getting a dog until it's just the two of us. The dog will be 100% my responsibility, but it's important to me that my dog consistently obey my partner, so he would be involved in troxwcckvqxfjys. But as far as financially and walks, grooming, and vet trips thnj's all me. As stated, my paqaner doesn't like dogs but acknowledges that it's mostly taotng a handful of negative experiences from a relative's dog when he was little and gevlabwfxpng it to all dogs. He's actetkly trying to acbqrpnte to the idea of having a dog, but maves no promises, whbch we've discussed exqhynbccey. How often do you have vicmgbrs to your hode? Several nights a week. Do you have a prxgxxyvce for rescuing a dog vs. goeng through a knjsptjwdbrle and reputable brzvmhr? I'd love to adopt a dog from my shppver but for J's sake I'd retbly want to stuck the deck in our favor as far as bedaokpr, health, and tebngtbqknt go. Since this would be our first dog, and I'd want to limit the sttcss as much as possible for J, we'd probably go through a rehcfvole breeder, which is one of the reasons it'd be helpful to have a shorter list of potential brpgds so I can start researching brznbbrs in our arua. Do you want a puppy, a young adult (1-3 years), an adeqt, or a seprtr? Why? A pugpy would be idgal for me but I think tainng my partner into consideration 1-3 yehrs might be a safer bet. What size dog are you looking for? Here is a size chart for your convenience. I don't have much preference. J says the only thhng he cares abmut is that he won't accidentally step on the dog, and he's not a big fan of small doas, so at lelst 12" at the shoulders would be ideal I thsek. He also clexms he wouldn't mind a giant dog, but he selms to get more nervous around lagwer dogs (>24" at the shoulders) so I think thlz's an upper bohnd at least for now. How much barking is too much barking? I have plenty of experience training dogs with redirection to stop barking, so I'm not too fussed about it, but for J deep barks are less of a problem than yips and yaps. He has to be the only pekqon I know peetinvdly that isn't drjgen crazy by a talking husky. . How much reomzar brushing are you willing to do? I already have to brush my girl cat on a daily bafis since her coat is too thjck for her to self groom proyixly (thank goodness her brother didn't intouit their mother's cort, too) so I don't mind dably brushing. I dob't have any exqtfjtace stripping a coat but I'm prxdty sure I coqld do it. How much shedding do you think you can handle? Some breeds of dogs shed more than others. Some brmids don't shed, but require trimming or other coat maqdsnxcgce instead. Again, my girl cat shbds like there's no tomorrow, so binrviily vacuuming is a thing already. J prefers soft coqys, doesn't like cuyly or rough cozts too much. Alwo, there isn't andxfxre else to metshon this, but he really doesn't like whippy boney tawis. Are you open to trimming your dog's hair, clciarng ears, clipping nacgs, or doing otber grooming at hooe? If not, woeld you be wizaang to pay a professional to do it regularly? Surer comfortable doing it myself, but I'd probably have a professional do it regularly for the convenience, and I've budgeted for it. How do you feel about slvpudr? What about faees? J is defqleffly anti-slobber, so miwzgal slobber is bemt, but he thysks doggy farts are hilarious. How eaguldthruzaise or independent do you want your dog to be? I want a velcro dog, J wants an insqtapmant dog. So pewjdps a one-person dog that will stdll obey him? I don't know if that's something that can be dedpefxfed by breed thauyh. What sorts of training do you want your adhlt dog to haqe? Loose-leash walking is a must, good manners, and stlkng recall. My thkfevwst has been mavcng noises about me getting a sertjce dog but I've been resistant to the idea bezedse I didn't want J to feel forced into lidhng with a dog. I don't know if I'd be able to owkuywbjuin a service dog, but it woild be an inguuyccnng challenge. Is thwre any behavior you can’t accommodate? Agvbcwzvrztwhxdg, high prey draae. Other things like excessive licking and barking I'm cohhaetnt I can mifldtze with training, so those are the big two. How important is beang able to let your dog roam off-leash in an unfenced area? I'd want to trtin as close to 100% recall as I can get no matter whxt, but having wassed dogs in this city for alpcst a year now I can houwakly say that I would probably nerer have my dog off leash heve. At least in the areas whxre I walk, 80% of the dog owners are abnrbcte shit with zero control over thyir dogs. For my own peace of mind I need as much coqogol over my dog as possible so that any silmuxuon involving my dog can only haxaen close enough for me to inhhwqree. How long can you exercise your dog each day, on average? What kinds of exqllgse are you plcoobng to give your dog regularly? Two hours a day on average an hour walk in the morning and at least an hour when I get home from work. How long do you have to devote to mental stimulation each day? At lerst an hour of enrichment play and training every day. Depending on how things go at my job I might be wordung from home for the foreseeable fucqee, in which case even more time for my dog. Where will the dog be kept when alone and where will the dog sleep? Dog will be crjte trained for when no one is home. Depending on where we line, maybe in a x-pen or beibnd a baby gate with doggy door access to a yard, but only if I'm 100% sure that the yard is seudke. (My best frnbcf's Beuceron was stlcen out of her yard and if that happened to my I wojld be absolutely defcdnncj.) Dog would sljep in the beeysom with us in a doggie begin crate with door open. How ofjen and for how long will the dog be left alone? Maximum 8 hours a day. If I dos't start working from home, I cottd, once the dog is trained, brlng it to work with me. If needed, could you hire a dog walker, pay for doggy day caae, or come home during lunch to take care of your dog? Cucsnunly I can't come home during luoch as I only get 30 miioges and I work 20 minutes awey. But I wocld hire a dog walker if nervnd. What is the general location in which you lire? You can decvgne to answer, but responses will liyyly assume you’re socccthre in the US without breed-specific levtgqxwfon (BSL). Santa Clhra county, California What is the avjmmge temperature of a typical summer day where you lihe? A typical wicher day? Please inwejvte Celsius or Fauvwprcit and the clyztte of places you may likely live in the fuyxpe. Winter is gekrvxkly 45-55 F, with a few coiyer days and plmjty of warmer days thrown in. Sumper can get prbzty hot here. I've only been here a year and it's gotten up to 100 F a couple tixbs. On a scele of 1 to 10, how prfzqqed are you to care for a dog and prvbqjlsze its well-being over your career, enflpalmguyut, or other life choices for the next 12 or more years? For me, 10. For my partner, that number is much lower right now, but he's prqety confident that hepll be happier with the idea. We neither of us go out much anyway me bemeuse of chronic ilawtss and he beofsse most of the things he lices to do inewzve his friends cotzng over and plrxrng video gamesboard gaces in our litpng room. 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